Issue 24

Dog Logic


                The new guy is really pissing me off.

                Where should I start?  That he gets fed every two hours and I only get something once a day?  And the stuff they feed him smells so good.  Meat, that’s what he’s getting.  It’s not completely meat, and it’s wet like water, but you can’t fool me.  Sometimes I get meat, but it’s maybe a mouthful, and I don’t even taste it it’s gone so fast.

                Rides.  That’s another one that really fries my hide.  They always take him for a ride.  I’ve never seen them leave him alone in the house.  I know when they’re leaving.  I try to show just how excited I am, and what it would mean to me to go, but it doesn’t seem to matter.  I sit at the window and watch as they drive away.  I sit at the window until them come back. I let them know that I missed them, that it would have been really nice if I had gone too.  Sometimes I just get banged in the head with a bag of groceries for my effort.

                I take my job seriously.  I never miss when they come home.  Always there, always loyal.  Dependable.  What does the new guy do?  He just makes a lot of noise, but at all the wrong times.  There’s no one prowling around or at the door when he starts crying.  Usually he wakes me up when I’m having a great dream about snagging the whole roast turkey off the counter or maybe finally catching that annoying gray cat.  Sometimes he just won’t shut up, but do they yell at him?  No, and you won’t believe this but they reward him by giving him a treat!  And it’s not like he ever has anything to say.  He just makes noise, nothing of consequence.  When I have something to say, they usually tell me to be quiet.

                I don’t understand it.  He gets to lay on the bed, but I don’t.  When he gets a bath, they don’t throw him outside for half the day while he dries off.  He’s allowed to play with my toys, but if I dare to even look at one of his stuffed animals, they give me The Look.  When I do get to go for a ride, I have to sit in the back while he gets a real seat.  And I have never seen them rub his nose in the carpet.

                It just isn’t fair.  Things were great before he came along.  I used to go to the park almost every day.  We used to play more.  Now I’m more or less time sitting on the couch watching them feed him.  I’ve spent months watching them, trying to understand their fascination with him.  He doesn’t really do anything.  Oh, and I can’t stand it when they try to lay him on my back or carry him around while chasing me.  He pulls my hair and his fingers go in my eyes.  I try to explain how I feel to him, but he just laughs at me. He has no respect for me.

                I wish he would just disappear.  I wish my life were back to normal.  Sigh.


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